Uh-huh, Holy Shit-

it's about time you get off mah dick.

Ha, okay, so I freaked out about my seminar presentation for nothing. I PWNed that motherfucker. I turned that presentation out and made it my bitch. It was insane. Everyone in class thought it was great.

Apparently, we had a chance for Gabe Saporta to give the speech at our graduation but since my school is lame and no one throws their fangs up in this bitch, we're gonna have some borough president give the speech.

Bandit Lee Way.

Welcome to the world, baby girl.
Congrats to the proud parents.

<3

(ps. you haters will get used to the name soon.)

The Myriad Ways That I Love You.

Happy Memorial Day.
I dunno if it's a happy holiday, but I know that a three-day weekend is always a cause for celebration (for me at least), so happy three day weekend then (and for those of you who don't have one, sorry).

Me and Mum might go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. We haven't exactly decided yet. I'm watching the Law and Order: SVU marathon at the moment, applying for jobs I've found on craigslist, and considering working on my senior thesis (I really should though, I only have two whole days for it. procrastination is my forte).

Yesterday, my aunt and uncle came over for dinner. Dunno why, really. They invited themselves. It worked out, I suppose. Mum is a lovely cook. My uncle's voice makes me wanna beat myself over the head with the nearest object though. Thank God he's not a blood relative. I have a thing with voices and his is that nasal pretentious sort of voice which he puts on to fool you into thinking he's smart and he's always spouting random facts to try and seem even smarter. You're not fooling me, baby. Ha, so many kids at my school have that nasal pretentious voice as well and I'm just like, can't you hear yourselves? well, I can, and it makes me wanna commit homicide. This is probably why I love singers.

Speaking of singers I love:



My new favorite picture, methinks. I think he should wear tight-fitting black shirts more often. *swoon and smile*

Supposedly, the Creature Feature boys are coming back sometime between August and September and me and my favorite flaily!goth, Miss Delirium, are planning to see as many of their east coast shows as humanly possible. The time frame has me worried though, since the aforementioned aunt is moving back to Florida from New Jersey (her job took her to Joisey but she's quitting and she wants to go back home) and she wants me to help her move back. She also wants to take me to Disney World and who am I to say no to that? But all of this is happening in August and you have NO FUCKING IDEA how much I miss that kid. It tears my heart up way more than it should...

I'm hoping I can see at least one show. And hey, maybe they'll be in Florida when I'm in Florida and my aunt will take me (she seems to understand my odd obsession for creepy music and going to shows)!

-cyanide

Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now.

Fuck my life.

Every time I leave my first period class (sophomore seminar), I can't help but want to cry. I've felt since day one that I'm the stupidest kid in that fucking class and nothing that has been done has made me change my mind. I liked first semester of this class because we looked at literature and we had tons of essays to keep my grade up without participating and in that class, I even participated some (shockhorror) because I knew what the fuck I was talking about. But second semester rolls in with a new teacher and a new project and this fucking post-modernist bullshit and I can't handle it. There's been one essay paper, which I did well on, but nothing else. I'm constantly late to that class because I don't want to roll out of bed and have to face it first thing in the morning.

Every Senior has to do a Senior thesis before they leave this fucking hellhole and I am no exception. A 15+ page research paper is daunting enough (they do put it in chunks to ease the pain some) but this is not the main reason I am so upset. I can write a paper, even if the length is obscene. There is a presentation as well, and seeing as how I'm the stupidest kid in this class, presenting in front of kids so much smarter than me makes me want to shit myself.

If you know me, you may be arguing "well, cyanide, you're a smart girl! you can't be that stupid compared!" ha, how wrong you would be if you said that. And if you know me further, you may say "well, cyanide, you've done plays and you've read your writing in front of people before so what's the problem?"

Reading a fictional piece, for me, is so much easier than reading something non-fictional that I had to come up with myself. The point of this paper was to get better acquainted with a subject but I just picked something at the last minute so I could hand something in. I don't want to do this presentation but I have no choice and the fact that I fucking blanked out in front of my class for my five minute presentation and then had a small mental breakout afterwards does not bode well for me at all. I just want to crawl into a corner and die.

And my teacher thinks, that with practice, I'll be able to overcome this fear by Wednesday. Are you fucking kidding me?! This isn't shit you just get over. This is deep seated, terrifying shit, and I understand that I will have to do this again sometime in my life and that I SHOULD feel safe in my high school, but presentation wise, this is the most dangerous place. You just don't get over this type of shit in a few days. How can I when I've felt for the past few months that my knowledge in this class is worthless and everyone is smarter than me?

Walls of Text are never fun.

TL/DR- I have a presentation for seminar. I'm going to fail it. I really hope I don't fail this class, but it's looking extremely likely.

Stay Alive or Stay The Same.

Haven't updated this in a while.
Basically I'm-

Looking for a new job.
Super broke.
Still hopelessly and retardedly in love.
okay with being in love for the moment since it makes me giddy and he is so totally gorgeous and sweet.
Loving the new Aiden album, Knives.
Suggesting you buy the aforementioned album.
Listening to a lot of The Cure lately (The Walk, Let's Go to Bed, The Love Cats, Boys Don't Cry, Friday I'm in Love, etc).
Looking forward to the three day weekend.

-cyanide.

The RX fund: Support Indie Films!

Okay, so, if you know me at all (and since the only person really reading this is Amanda, who knows me plenty), you will know that I am a huge and complete Creature Feature spaz. Been that way for over a year. I love these boys to death and since I'm fanatical about it, I'd do just about anything for them.

So here's the deal.

This is Curtis Rx:



Don't let the sideburns intimidate you; he is one of the sweetest people you could ever have the good fortune to know. He is the singer and guitarist of Creature Feature but he doesn't stop there. He's working on a novel and he's working on some films.

Now, films are mad expensive if you want them done correctly and like most of us kids in this recession of doom, poor Curtis up there broke as hell and can't make his film making dreams a reality. But simply because we're in a recession does not mean we have to subject ourselves to an artless, boring world, right? Right. And seriously, think about it- if you're a city kid like me, you have to blow $12 on a shitty remake/horror film/chick flick/whatever and wouldn't you rather see your money go towards something original instead of some re-hashed bullshit? The last movie I saw was The Haunting in Connecticut and I know where I'd rather my money had gone.

So if you're feeling in the giving mood, here are the places to go-

here's the paypal donation center.

here's the creature feature blog, where you can pick up some epic cool t-shirts which will have you both supporting the cause and looking snazzy at the same time. win/win!

this is one of my favorite bands we're talking about here and as soon as i find a better job, i know where i'll be sending some of my cash.

love and zombies, forever and always,
-sami cyanide.

Preaching, Reeking of Weekend.

Weekend:

went to work, got fired from work, went to breakfast, went back to work, got re-hired (maybe), left work, went to philadelphia, loved it, cheesesteak-ed, double decker bussed, left philadelphia, got home, finished paper, got moody, story of my life.

Seperate and Ever Deadly.

The novelty of wearing pajamas to school wears off around the middle of the day. I usually don’t wear pants to sleep (LOL, SCANDALOUS?) but that's not good for school, so I was wearing this cool, black and white pinstriped pair which I got a few compliments on them. I just don’t like wearing pants in general, so it was making me mildly uncomfortable. Oh well.

The whole reason for pajamas to school was that it was the last day of Senior Spirit Week. I didn’t participate in the first three days but yesterday was blast from the past day so I was doing something like a 1940’s funeral costume. Somewhat Black Dahlia inspired. I have this interesting funereal hat my grandma bought me from a thrift store. It has black lace overhang and huge black feathers in the back. Too ridiculous even for me to wear on an everyday basis, but it worked yesterday.

I want to dye my hair again. I haven’t since last year, when the bangs were bright pink. I’m thinking a blood red or something of that nature. This isn’t a sure thing but since my hair has been bothering me so much lately, I figured dyeing it might make me happier.

My Curtis Rx cosplay is officially finished. I finally got the piece de resistance—the pinstripe pants—from a thrift store earlier today. It was a bitch trying to find pinstripe pants that were both in my size and black and white but I found them and I’m so happy I found them on the cheap! Hooray for bargains!

I’m thinking of buying diet pills. I’m not too comfortable with my weight. I know I’m not alone in this but I would really like to do something about it.

Going to Philly for the weekend. I’ve never been there so I think it’d be nice to see it.

-cyanide.

And Live My Life Alone Forever Now.

I am in one of my terrible moods and the only good thing about this is that my hormones aren't jumping around in a frenzy anymore. Sometimes, things just seem overwhelmingly hopeless and my superbly analytical brain can find a million different ways to thrwart my happiness.

I don't understand why I think I would be happier if some boy liked me. I was slightly happier when I was with Peter but not by much. It just adds a different set of problems to life. But fuck, everyone together just seems so happy on the outside. Why can't I just have the facade of happiness?

I guess in the end, no matter what I do, I'll always find a way to make myself miserable because that's what I'm most comfortable with and deep down, I'm afraid of being happy. Blah, blah, blah, I sound like a fucking shrink.

This was pointless.
Please find something more enjoyable to do.

I'll Strive To Make Them Hurt.

Last night was The Horrors and The Kills @ Webster Hall.

I think I sold Webster Hall short. It's a nice venue, much nicer when
the atmosphere is laid back and there aren't a billion sweaty teenagers pushing against you, screaming "I LOVE YOU GERARD!", and you can barely stand up because you haven't eaten or drank anything in hours. Yeahhh...

I came late, aroud 7:40, missed most of the first band, The Magic Wands', caught the last song and liked what I heard. I was gonna buy a CD but they had sold out, so I bought the new Horrors album, Primary Colors, and waited for them to come on.

The Horrors:

The Horrors' new stuff is nothing like their old stuff. The age of the big hair, black suits, and combating instruments is over and a more polished sound has taken its place. This isn't too say that they've lost their edge. I was texting my best friend, Claire, who had seen them earlier in the tour, and told her some of their new shit is creepier than their old shit. Live, it definitely is. Faris is still a tall British menace on stage, constantly waving his arms like a preacher to his choir, and brandishing his mic stand as though try to keep the demons away. His rough British voice has taken more of a melodic air, but over the meandering music, it seems as though he's narrating a bad acid trip.

I love their new album and I suggest you all buy it (I dunno if it's out in the US yet. I'm fairly certain its out in the UK. If it isn't out here, it should be soon, so keep your eye out) and if they're in your city, I suggest you see them.

The one gripe I have about The Horrors has nothing to do with their change in sound. I wish they would've toured the US more for their first album, Strange House, since they're not playing anything from that album on this tour. I was supposed to see them back in the day, when Irving Plaza was still Irving Plaza and not The Fillmore. They were opening for Schoolyard Heroes (how bitchin' is that?!), but they cancelled at the last minute. I think they might've gone to NYC one time before that but that was it. Was it lack of fans, lack of funds, or lack of interest? Perhaps a combination of the three? Hopefully, this album will get them big enough so they can headline and play some Strange House for me.

The Kills:

I had mixed feelings about The Kills live. I love their album, Midnight Boom, and I have No Wow but I don't really have patience for it, if that makes sense. It probably doesn't.

I think my feelings stem from the fact that they sound so different live than they do on the album. Not neccessarily shittier but definitely more raw and varied. I definitely liked "Tape Song", "No Wow", and "Black Balloon" performed live.

I came home and watched two episodes of Torchwood and despite the fact that Captain Jack is sexy beyond belief, he isn't in it enough, and when he is in it, the acting just seems really poor, and the show is wayyy too much about sex and not enough about clever alien hunting for it to be as awesome as Doctor Who.

-cyanide.

Let's Go For A Walk.

Today, we had a school trip to DIA: Beacon, a contemporary art museum in upstate New York. It was a really pleasant trip. I learned on the trainride up there that my seminar teacher likes The Smiths. I can't help but like him a little more now.

I've never really seen so much contemporary art in one place before and they had very odd installations, which included video, flourescent lights, glass, mirrors, yarn, steel, and other such things. I think my favorite installation was Warhol's "Shadow" which is one piece with 73 canvases (there were originally 100). They're displayed all around the room in a line so you're immersed in the art, as our tourguide explained.

Everyone in our group either thought that our tourguide was cute or super hot. I was one of the kids who found him cute; he would've been hot if he had shorter hair and longer pants. But it was adorable how excited he was about the art he showed us. His name was Noah.

Also, in the Warhol room, they had these huge, extremely soft couches which were wonderful to longue on. Yes, I enjoy art, but I enjoy art from a comfortable seated position.

Tomorrow, I'm going to see The Kills and The Horrors at Webster Hall. I absolutely hate Webster Hall (bad experience a few years ago when I saw My Chemical Romance there). I can only hope they don't have the same douchebag bouncers and I should be fine.

I still need to make cookies for a baby shower tomorrow. I dunno whether I wanna do it now or wait until early tomorrow morning. It shouldn't take too long, if I go to bed early-ish and wake up early-ish. I always wait until the last minute to do things.

My friend, Jenna, has been writing me these adorable text message stories which I've been retyping onto my computer so I can have them forever and read them over again (my cellphone can only store 100 messages at a time).

My hormones have been going completely haywire lately. I have no clue what to do about that. It's beginning to get sort of worrisome.

-cyanide.