Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now.

Fuck my life.

Every time I leave my first period class (sophomore seminar), I can't help but want to cry. I've felt since day one that I'm the stupidest kid in that fucking class and nothing that has been done has made me change my mind. I liked first semester of this class because we looked at literature and we had tons of essays to keep my grade up without participating and in that class, I even participated some (shockhorror) because I knew what the fuck I was talking about. But second semester rolls in with a new teacher and a new project and this fucking post-modernist bullshit and I can't handle it. There's been one essay paper, which I did well on, but nothing else. I'm constantly late to that class because I don't want to roll out of bed and have to face it first thing in the morning.

Every Senior has to do a Senior thesis before they leave this fucking hellhole and I am no exception. A 15+ page research paper is daunting enough (they do put it in chunks to ease the pain some) but this is not the main reason I am so upset. I can write a paper, even if the length is obscene. There is a presentation as well, and seeing as how I'm the stupidest kid in this class, presenting in front of kids so much smarter than me makes me want to shit myself.

If you know me, you may be arguing "well, cyanide, you're a smart girl! you can't be that stupid compared!" ha, how wrong you would be if you said that. And if you know me further, you may say "well, cyanide, you've done plays and you've read your writing in front of people before so what's the problem?"

Reading a fictional piece, for me, is so much easier than reading something non-fictional that I had to come up with myself. The point of this paper was to get better acquainted with a subject but I just picked something at the last minute so I could hand something in. I don't want to do this presentation but I have no choice and the fact that I fucking blanked out in front of my class for my five minute presentation and then had a small mental breakout afterwards does not bode well for me at all. I just want to crawl into a corner and die.

And my teacher thinks, that with practice, I'll be able to overcome this fear by Wednesday. Are you fucking kidding me?! This isn't shit you just get over. This is deep seated, terrifying shit, and I understand that I will have to do this again sometime in my life and that I SHOULD feel safe in my high school, but presentation wise, this is the most dangerous place. You just don't get over this type of shit in a few days. How can I when I've felt for the past few months that my knowledge in this class is worthless and everyone is smarter than me?

Walls of Text are never fun.

TL/DR- I have a presentation for seminar. I'm going to fail it. I really hope I don't fail this class, but it's looking extremely likely.